Camping Trip In Hell

Today's guest post comes to you from Mandy at Just Gimme Coffee. Like me, Mandy loves good coffee, chocolate, and reading and writing. (Hopefully) unlike me, she has a nightmare camping story to share with you today. So sit back, relax, and grab a fan, because you'll need to cool off after reading this!

I am so glad that I’m not on vacation right now with my husband and son. Yes, I do love them and we do typically take family trips together, but when my husband started talking about this trip in its planning stages, I knew it was nothing I wanted to be a part of. You see, they are camping…in a tent…in August of all things!

Now you might be saying, “Don’t knock it until you try it.” Well, I have, and I didn’t like it! Oh about eight years ago, when my son was two, we were headed to a family reunion in Virginia around the Fourth of July. We decided that we’d make it a fun, family trip and go camping nearby.

My husband was the “experienced” camper in the family, so I turned over most of the decision making to him (mistake #1). He chose the site, bought the gear, and packed the car. I assisted with toiletries and food, two things I figured he might want, but wouldn’t necessarily do well packing. Once the car was all set we excitedly got inside and drove off on our little adventure…and what an adventure it turned out to be!

I hate to be hot. I spent the first 12 years of my life hot in the south with no air conditioning in our house. I don’t care to repeat those 12 years of unending summertime sultriness. I can handle some temporary heat when I know cool relief is coming, but I can’t abide long, unending periods of hotness. Well here we were camping in the south in July (mistake #2), so of course it’s going to be insufferably hot and humid! Not to worry, we had brought along two fans for that very reason. Well, remember mistake #1, allowing my husband to make the decisions? We set up our tent and I went to plug in the fans, and there were no electrical hook-ups anywhere around.

Not a problem, I’ll put on my swimsuit and take a dip in the pool. Let me refer you back to mistake #1 with my husband making the decisions…NO POOL! No shade trees at our site either. So I’m standing there dripping with sweat after wrestling with the so-called easy to assemble tent while chasing down an insane two-year-old, and my husband and son are starting to feel hungry. You mean this hot mama who can find no relief from the heat has to stand over a hot stove and fix a hot meal? That’s too much heat for me. Uh-uh, I think I saw a movie theater on our way in that I’m sure has air conditioning. We’re going to go see a movie and eat popcorn for lunch. I’m sure it’s one of the major food groups.

So we got into the car and drove towards blessed, sweet relief in the form of an air-conditioning unit. By the time we pulled into the parking lot, the car AC had finally started to do its job, but not matter, we headed in, bought 3 tickets for Lilo and Stitch, our popcorn and soda lunch and sat down in the cool of the theatre. Things were looking up! The movie was as good as could be expected with a two-year-old boy who I swear is Stitch in human form.

We milked our time in the borrowed air conditioning for as long as we could. I don’t think I’ve ever watched all the credits from a movie before, but I saw the name of every single person who had anything remotely to do with making this movie. Finally, we decided it was time to clear out when the theater staff came in to clean up the room for the next showing. I’ve never walked as slowly out of a place as I did out of that cool, dark theater and back into the hot, blazing sun. Reality socked me in the face as soon as I stepped out of the door. I was back in hell.

We returned to the campsite and I took a LONG, COLD shower and eventually got around to preparing our supper. As I stood there slaving over the hot stove, I sipped on the only thing cold around, a Coke. I’d cook a little, drink a little, cook a little, drink a little, cook a little…hot damn! What is that! I spit out the Coke, threw the can down to the ground and grabbed my mouth. Apparently a yellow jacket was feeling the heat a little too much as well and decided to take a dip in my Coke can to cool off. Only, he wasn’t planning on drowning, so when I tipped the can up to take a sip, he tried to come flying out, stinger first, right into my lip! My husband had the gall to laugh at me. I threw the pan at him and stomped off to take another LONG, COLD shower! I hardly slept a wink that night.

The next morning we got up and headed out for the family reunion bit of the trip. Needless to say I was less than thrilled to show up to see all these people I hadn’t seen for years looking like I’d been rode hard and put up wet and with a swollen lip to boot!

So back to that trip my husband and son are on right now…I’m so glad I’m not there (please refer back to mistake #2), and I hope they’re sleeping okay because I just walked into my son’s room and there, on his floor, sits the box that contains the air mattresses and sheets. May I refer you back to Mistake #1 above? Oh I’ve learned from these mistakes, but apparently my husband hasn’t! I love him anyway…as I sit here in my air conditioning after returning from a dip in the pool and sipping my Coke in the safety of my own home far, far away from stinging insects!